well, my goodness. it certainly has been a long, long time since i've written here. i don't know why, because so many things have happened that are actually very noteworthy.

since my last post, i managed to overcome graduate school. that's right; i graduated in december 2009. i had to make some difficult choices, and i had a whole lot of help from some great friends and from my boy, but i made it happen. i wanted to be finished so that i could be with the boy when he came back from deployment.

he returned to oklahoma a couple of days before i graduated, and he watched it online. i was so proud! then, on christmas eve, we were reunited :) deployment seemed like a lifetime, but it is strange how seven months can fly by at the same time it crawls. of course, things were a bit awkward between the two of us at first (we'd only spent one weekend together!) but we quickly fell into a pattern. we spent three weeks in kentucky, visiting and celebrating and preparing my belongings for the move.

yes, the move. we had committed to moving in together when he returned, and although i questioned the decision from time to time, we followed through. so i packed up everything i owned and shoved it into a trailer he bought especially for the occasion. then, i hopped in my little dodge neon and followed his taillights across tennessee, arkansas, and finally into oklahoma. it was a very rough journey. i had never driven that far before alone, and i was alone in my own vehicle. i fell asleep many times and we had to stop so much that a 12ish hour drive turned into more like 16 hours. but we arrived, together! and then we settled into our new house.

yes, he bought a house. three days later, we were relocated due to an ice storm. there was no electricity at our house for a week! while we were staying with friends, i found myself curious and took a pregnancy test -- positive. oh my. i texted the boy about it. "are you sure?" he said, "maybe you should take another." four tests later, the result was still positive. so now there will be a baby, in october, i'm told!

about a week later, we got married. i realize this recap makes it sound a tad rushed, and no doubt, it was. we had moved in together, realized i was pregnant, and gotten married all within a month's time. but it wasn't a surprise. we weren't taking any precautions to prevent the pregnancy, on purpose, letting life take its own course, and we were okay with whatever the outcome might be. so, we knew and accepted the decisions that lay before us, and marriage was something we had agreed on many months before.

so here i sit, graduated, moved, married, pregnant and happy. happy. who would've thought?

i'm trudging on, but it is so hard. i can't help but think that at this time in a perfect world, i would be packing my stuff anxiously and getting ready to head out on the road to be with my bf for the summer. i never turned the job down, and i can't find one here. i spend every day searching. i'm thinking about moving to oklahoma on my own to take the job, but it would be a big stretch. i don't know how i would find a place in time. or how i would afford one. the job starts june 1 and i haven't told the employer anything yet. i think tonight i'm going to sit down and draft a well-thought email about my situation and see if the guy i've been talking to has any suggestions.

i got a D in one of my classes this semester. i've never had a D in my life. now, this is something i've brought upon myself. i think i have some kind of disorder where i self-destruct. i have had no control of my life, so i let everything go. it's like i cannot deal with my life anymore, and i just throw my hands up and pretend like i don't care. then bad things happen and i shut down. right now i'm going through a really, really bad time in my life. i'm so overwhelmed i don't even know what to do. all i want to do is sit in a corner and cry until things make themselves better. i don't even know how to deal. i think i need some medication or something. honestly, this is what i do every time anything happens to me. but this time a lot of things have come together at the same time.

i'm rambling.

today my bf called and talked to me for about an hour and a half, and for a while, everything seemed okay. it's hard to talk to him without crying, though. i hadn't cried at all until yesterday, and now i just cry and cry and cry. i tried to hold it back while i was talking to him, but it's hard. deployment is SO HARD. and to think that i've just started. he says he was told that he may be able to be home for christmas. maybe.

my donut of misery mocks me. if you don't know what it is, google it.

i'm assimilating into military culture.

<3

it's been quite a while since i've written anything, and so much has happened. simply speaking, i have been suffering through a pretty wild emotional roller coaster since my last post. life has gone crazy.

the boy (who is now officially my bf) is leaving for iraq sooner than i wanted to admit to myself, and when he received notification of the official date, i was frantic. so, spur-of-the-moment, last thursday, i told him i'd meet him in arkansas, which is as far as he was allowed to go. scared to death, i got in my car and drove all day friday -- nearly 600 miles -- to spend some time with him. i'd never driven more than four hours, and even then i had a passenger. at the end, i got lost. hahaha. so, when i got to the town we'd meet in, it was after midnight. it was cool, though. it took us a minute to feel each other out, but after that, everything was great. tragic, but great. i won't get to see him again before he leaves for six months, but, at least on my own part, i know all i need to know and i will be waiting for him when he gets back.

i guess now would be a good time to confess that i am in love. i mean, i said it before, but this time i'm really confessing. and the super sweet part is that he loves me, too.

so after a frantic few days, then a fantastic day or two, now i am stuck in this state of...i don't know what you'd call it. it's not really depression, but i am resentful because of the hand i've been dealt. i'm thinking, what the hell, god? why do you let this all come together, then play with my mind and take him away? it helps because i know he's not leaving forever, but it seems like it's such a long time. i also believe when he gets back, everything will work out, so that helps, too. still, it's the end of the semester, i need to find a job, i have papers that need to be written, homework that needs to be done, presentations to present...and all i can think about is the fact that i left my heart at a gas station on the oklahoma state line sunday morning, that within a few days, it will board a plane and arrive in a sandbox halfway across the world with him. and i wish i hadn't had to leave him.